bubbly...

wowwww. it's crazy how the person who my previous blog was about actually doesn't deserve me. aside from me waiting on him.... and waiting... and waiting. he actually doesn't serve me. and right now i'm emphasizing a difference between not deserving me and me deserving better. of course, i deserve better. i mean... after all, i'm waiting on a boy with a girlfriend. i'm waiting on a boy who leads me on and strings me along. but even aside from all of that fuckery he doesn't deserve me. aside from the girlfriend, he doesn't deserve me. i mean... why should he? i feel like he tricked me into loving him. he lied his way to get me to follow his lead. and that's a damn shame. it's a damn shame that i find out the truth about situations that 1) happened a long ass time ago and 2) i already asked about. and the day before yesterday you asked me if i trusted you in spite of you having me and someone else, and i realized that i didn't. but as i was talking to someone about the situation, i realized that even aside from the girlfriend issue, i still don't trust you bc of things that happened (or didn't happen) with other females. and then. and then! i find out that they really did happen! wtf?! does that make any fucking sense? absolutely not. i trusted you. i gave you my heart. i made exceptions. i made excuses. and for what now? i have no idea. bc now you just look like a manipulator of words. a man... no. a BOY who received my heart by using the magic (the bullshit) behind his words. what a damn shame.

How to Get Over a Guy in 10 Days

I'd like to consider myself a pretty strong lady. To think back on the things I've accomplished, the things I've overcome, how I'm positively portrayed by others, I kinda have to say that I haven't done too shabby. Then why do I feel so dissatisfied with life? I feel so shallow and superficial when I think on the fact that I've been in situations that others have not made it out of, yet why do I feel that there is something missing because I don't have the guy? Is it really that worth it? No. Why do I feel like Britney Spears' song "Lucky" can apply to my life right now? That's pathetic. Yet, my feelings are what they are. I can't run away from them. Instead, I have to face them. So let's face the feelings -- and the facts.

Feelings:

1. of loss

2. of confusion

3. of emptiness

4. of sadness

5. of disappointment

Why? Because of the facts. 

Facts (at least in my opinion, but is that possible?):

1. I do not have a boyfriend.

2. He has a girlfriend.

3. His girlfriend's name is not Alexandra.

4. You go after what you want.

5. You go after what you want especially when you know you can get it.

6. If If you don't go after what you know you can get it, then you must not want it enough.

I know that I probably seem ridiculously shallow and superficial. While there are other fish in the sea, there are also bigger fish to fry. So, why am I stuck on one small one? Why is he worth much more to me than I am to him? Because if the power was in my hands to lose him or have him, I would, without a doubt, have him. Yet, it seems as if he would rather lose me than do what it takes (and what is possible) to have me. He said that one day he would sweep me off of my feet. One day he would earn me the right way. Why not now? One day can be one day too late. And at this rate, with the way I am reminding myself to not settle and to let go, one day is too late already, but I'm not even worth one day too late being a problem. 

I rooted for you. I trusted you. I believed you. I wanted to root for you, trust you, and believe you. I wanted our love - the word, the feeling you brought up - to be strong enough to bring us together the right way. But it wasn't. It isn't. You can't even say you love me with all of your heart, because your heart is in two different places. I don't want to let go for fear that you'll be ready to have me the right way once I've moved on already. But, wait a second. Shouldn't that be your fear. Yes, it should. Because at this rate, I'm not even worth it to you.

I'm not sure how this post became a letter to you. It's not meant to kill you. It's meant to remind me that what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. I'm going to grow from you, from this situation, from the us that will never be. I'm going to start believing my words 100%, and I'm going to be a better person because of it.

So, here's a question. Since your heart is in two different places, which part of the love do I have? Do I have the LO or the VE? Because I damn sure don't have the LOVE that I deserve.